My December
by ROBINROX
Summary: Rated for cutting. RLSB (sort of...I guess...) Sirius is dead. How does Remus cope? One shot.


Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, or the song My December. Respectively, the two belong to J. K. Rowling and Linkin Park.

A/N: Well, I wanted to do a Sirius/Lupin sadfic, but it came out angsty in the end. Ah well. I tried.

_This is my December  
  
This is my time of the year  
  
This is my December  
  
This is all so clear  
  
This is my December  
  
This is my snow covered home  
  
This is my December  
  
This is me alone  
_  
Remus saw it, but he didn't believe it. Didn't want to believe it. Sirius couldn't be gone, he wouldn't just leave Harry like that...Wouldn't leave him. But he did, he fell behind the veil, and Remus knew he wasn't going back. Remus held Harry back, not really hearing what he said, but replying anyway. The shock had rendered him speechless, at least in his mind. He couldn't think. Sirius just COULDN'T be gone, it couldn't have happened. But there Bellatrix was, laughing at her victory.  
  
_And I just wish that  
  
I didn't feel like there was something I missed  
  
And I take back all the things I said  
  
To make you feel like that  
  
And I just wish that  
  
I didn't feel like there was something I missed  
  
And I take back all the things I said to you  
_  
Remus walked into his room and broke down crying. Sirius was a hero. He had given his life for his godson and everything else he believed in, and no one else would know. They would always think of Sirius Black as a traitor, as a man who betrayed his best friends to the worst evil in the world. Remus slowly dragged himself toward his desk, where there were millions of pictures of the old gang scattered about. He had been meaning to cute Peter out of the pictures, but had never had the time nor the energy to do it. Besides, then, Remus had still believed that Peter could be good again, that he could change. Now there was nothing stopping him from tearing up the pictures of old friendships long since dead.  
  
_And I give it all away  
  
Just to have somewhere  
  
To go to  
  
Give it all away  
  
To have someone  
  
To come home to_  
  
Pieces of photo paper fell to the floor as Remus cut Peter out of every picture of the Marauders, ignoring the pained looks the moving people gave him as they were separated from their friend. It hurt so much to see Sirius the way he was then...So happy, and carefree. No one else would ever know how brave he had been...And he had died at the hands of family...That thought drove Remus to tearing up every picture of the old gang he had, dividing each of them, whether by death, or by betrayal, he didn't care. He was the last of the Marauders, the last of the loyal and faithful. And yet, he didn't feel loyal, or faithful at all. He felt like he should be dead instead of Sirius, like he should be the one behind the veil.  
  
_This is my December  
  
These are my snow covered dreams  
  
This is me pretending  
  
This is all I need  
_  
Tonks sighed and looked at the ceiling.

"Molly, he hasn't come down for weeks, I'm really worried." Molly sighed and handed Tonks the plate of eggs she had just made. It was true, Remus had kept himself locked up tight in his room ever since Sirius had died.

"He's grieving, Tonks." Bill said as he sat across from her, gladly accepting the plate of breakfast his mother gave him. Bill was given a break from his work in Egypt and was back for the weekend before heading back. "Those two were closer than brothers. If it were any of my family that had died, I wouldn't come out for months!" Tonks sighed again as Bill started eating his breakfast.

"Well, whose turn is it to go and give him his food?" Molly asked as if the simple task were a chore to be done every day. For Tonks, that's what it was.

"Mine." Tonks said, reaching out for the steaming plate of eggs, bacon, and toast Molly had prepared for Remus.  
  
_And I just wish that  
  
I didn't feel like there was something I missed  
  
And I take back all the things I said  
  
To make you feel like that  
  
And I just wish that  
  
I_ _didn't feel like there was something I missed  
  
And I take back all the things I said to you  
_  
Remus sat on his bed, staring blankly at the wall, not even turning when Tonks came in with his food. The smell of hot food filled his nostrils and before Tonks was even out the door Remus had started wolfing down the food as if he had never eaten before in his life. Not thinking of the scalding heat that warmed his mouth and throat as the food went through him, Remus was glad for the distraction and started eating slower, so he could savor the few minutes when he didn't have to think about Sirius.  
  
_And I give it all away  
  
Just to have  
  
Somewhere to go to  
  
Give it all away  
  
To have someone  
  
To come home to  
_  
Remus walked around the house while no one was else was about, ignoring Kreacher mumbling about how he was going to kill everyone in their sleep now that his master had gone. The house seemed quieter without Sirius, and less like a house. Even Buckbeak had caught on to the fact that Sirius was never coming back. He had been depressed for days, and the only time Remus left his room was so that he and Buckbeak could mourn Sirius' loss together. Sometimes, Remus wished Harry was there too, since he was almost as close to Sirius as Remus himself had been. They could cry into each other's shoulders, and laugh at old memories of Sirius the way he was when the Marauders were still all friends. But Harry was still with the Dursleys, and Remus was all alone. No one in the house was as close to Sirius as Remus had been, so they couldn't possibly imagine what he was going through.  
  
_This is my December  
  
This is my time of the year  
  
This is my December  
  
This is all so clear  
_  
The knife felt cool and hard in his hand as he made the slits across his arm. Blood welled at the wounds and slowly dripped from cut to cut, making a river down his arm and landing in a pool of already-drying blood on the wood floor boards. Remus winced with every new cut, trying to ignore the pain as he made his way down his arm, toward his wrist. He could end the pain, end the misery right here, right now, with this knife...The knife hovered above his wrist, ready to slash at the tender skin, blood dripping off the blade. Remus dropped the blade as the door opened, revealing Tonks."Remus, what are you-Oh my God..." she said, eyes widening. Remus backed up into the wall. Tonks walked over to the knife, bent, and picked it up. "Remus, I know you miss him, but..." Remus' eyes narrowed and he walked up, snatching the knife from her. "I can end it all, right now. I can make all the pain go away, make all the hurt stop..."The knife cut through the skin of Remus' wrist, the blade dropping to the floor as blood started to pour out of the wound. Tonks screamed and ran out the door, but by the time she got to warn anyone, it was too late. Remus was dead, hidden along with Sirius behind the veil.  
  
_And I give it all away  
  
Just to have somewhere  
  
To go to  
  
Give it all away  
  
To have someone  
  
To come home to_


End file.
